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2023 Academy of American Poets Prize

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Standing Vigil at the Altar

by Soumya Jaiswal
 

my grandmother thinks I have Nazar on me after I’m discharged from the hospital she takes me outside and I am too damn tired for this right now- she is burning newspaper and chanting under her breath and circling the crown of my head with the flame- (I don’t know what she says. I’m sorry) my grandfather drew a natal chart the day I was born he was devout to two things in his life: his girls, and the universe he showed me what my palms said there is a split in your Jeevan Resha and what the stars had planned for me Kanya Rashi means Budh will give you wisdom partially because he knew my mother hated that stuff but mostly to ensure our gods were still there for me ten thousand kilometers from where their powers lie (his widow thinks I’m cursed) (but he thought I was blessed) (which one of them is right) my father taught me how to light a match when I was eight as we filled our apartment with diyas for Diwali he said- the most important shrine is the one at home when we light this altar God is in every room and when we worship together God is in us as well I tried praying every day that month until I realized God wasn’t in me which was too bad. because I wanted her to be my aunt gets up every morning at sunrise during Sāwaṇ to light the diya and do aarti in each room it’s the peak of a muggy Bihari summer and my mom stares- longingly? with guilt? remorse? did it end with me, or with her? my mother she- (is a hypocrite) finally called the pandit after the accident and gave him my chart, as if it held answers I steal the fraying parchment when nobody is looking they didn’t let me go to his funeral (menstruating, mandir, holy, unholy) so this is our vengeance (mine and his) he nodded solemnly and said- of course, you are not following your dharma you must pray to the Navagrahas wear new clothes and chant this sloka nine times surround the idol with rose petals and rice and pour this ghee on the base at their feet that is how you show your devotion so I wear the clothes

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